So… once again I have missed most of a month (again due to back problems) and my last few posts haven’t exactly been up to the standard I used to hold myself to.
There have been so many things this year that I started but never managed to finish (I have a half-made patreon account and a microphone sitting in the cupboard waiting for me to get on with youtube), and so many other things I have to do (like my day job, which has upped the number of responsibilities I have, and this blog which I am starting to hate). I’m not getting anything done.
This hasn’t been a good year for my writing. My writing advice book is barely selling and I have c.40 copies sitting in a box – quietly mocking me for having hope. I haven’t been able to get any of my other projects to work. Sometimes I feel like my muse has died from grief. Somewhere between me and my next publication – be it a book or just a good blog post – are the spectres of my greatest fears Mdm. Mediocrity and General Failure. I can’t see them and I reach out to work and then there they are, staring at me. To get past them to my muse I have to look them in the eyes, have to believe they won’t – can’t – touch me and walk past, but I can’t. I can’t stand to look at them, because I’m afraid of what I’ll see. I’m afraid that if I look up, the monsters staring back at me will be the monster in my bathroom mirror. A reflection of truth – and truth is a monster. No one wants to have to face what they really are.
All that being said, this was meant to be an update on how my next project is going. It’s not. It SHOULD have been a fairly simple project, as it was a re-write of a fanfic I once wrote – which was 99.99% original material and characters as it focused on the mostly glossed over part of a character’s backstory, some sixty years before the canon, and only had four canon characters in a cast of thirty+ OCs (of whom three were bit-parts or one-off names in canon and only one canon character was important in the canon). It’s being difficult. I’m not sure if that’s because I feel like I’ve already told this story or because I’m terrified that my next book will go down as unnoticed as my first. I keep telling myself that it’s stupid to be afraid it will go unnoticed, because two of my fanfics were recommended on their respective canon’s TVTropes fanfic recs pages, and I’m cannibalising (you’ll get the joke later) parts of Schaduw Wereld (the bits which aren’t canon, the other canon, or Norse Mythology – the bits I invented) to patch the holes left in Little Differences by the removal of the 0.01% canon that it contained in fanfic form.
I took down my fanfics before publishing Help! My Story Has the Mary-Sue Disease because I wanted to be as legally in the clear as possible and I didn’t want to leave any plot twists open for discovery for those who hadn’t already read Little Differences and/or Schaduw Wereld. When I took them down I contacted all their fans I could and offered to send them a copy, provided they did not put the stories up or share them around (private use only). I also said I hoped to publish the re-write (or Ascended Fanfic as TVTropes calls it) in late 2017. That isn’t going to happen. It’ll be something like mid-2018 at the earliest (and, in my defence, Differences was 200K words long).
But if you were looking forward to a rewrite, don’t despair, eventually I’ll blindfold myself long enough to get past the monsters in the mirror.